Coffeeneuring 2020 Week #2: East Chattanooga Triple Crown Death March

Max dropping in the slab at Bauxite Ridge

 

 

Coffeeneuring: riding bikes, drinking coffee, seven times, seven places, seven weeks; there's some rules. 

 

This week's entry mashes two potatoes with one fork: coffeeneuring week #2 and Max's Birthday Challenge ride. Max chose to celebrate his 29th birthday by riding 29 mountain bike trails at 3 different trail systems connected by roads in eastern Chattanooga. Reid and I tagged along (and made some coffee) for a very mega day. I have named this route the East Chattanooga Triple Crown Death March. 

 

About the ride: My favorite rides are adventurous and topographically diverse routes that require your bike to do everything from road to gravel to singletrack. This ride met those requirements and added the unnecessary and "unbibbed" challenge of pushing yourself to your physical limits. We started at Enterprise South, headed over to White Oak Mountain, and finally Bauxite Ridge. Max did all or most of the trails at each and Reid and I did all that our rigid MTBs and grundles would allow. Max finished with a hard-earned 50 miles, Reid with 20, and I with 36. Max and I both crashed within the last quarter mile of the ride, which I think illustrates the level of bonk we had reached. It was a very good day.

making "cowboy coffee 2.0" while Max rides a black diamond trail

About the coffee: This week I used the MSR Mugmate as my brewing method. From a utilitarian perspective the Mugmate is hard to beat. This recipe is a kind of "cowboy coffee 2.0" where the grounds (I used a 13:1 ratio) steep in boiled water for 2-4 minutes and are then filtered through the Mugmate into your cup. Cowboy coffee gives a smooth cup that's less bitter and the Mugmate keeps the grounds from getting your mug and teeth. A good bean, well-roasted, and coarsely ground would give you a truly decadent cup of coffee by any coffee-snobbery standard. This week I just used the Aldi brand equivalent of Folgers and it was still tasty.

 

Date: 10.18.2020

Location: 35.0777° N, 85.1256° W

Bike: Shanina

Coffee: Beaumont Coffee Classic Roast (Aldi Brand), MSR Mugmate, 13:1

Miles: 35.98 (strava)

Reid on the quiet, pine needle covered singletrack of the Black Forest Trail at ESNP

Coffeeneuring 2020 Week #1: Rosemary Hill

Coffeeneuring Week 1: Rosemary Hill

Coffeeneuring: riding bikes, drinking coffee, seven times, seven places, seven weeks; there's some rules. 

Before I got off of instagram, one of the last posts I saw was something from @pondero about "coffeeneuring." Chris Johnson is one of my bikespirations so I looked into it. Riding bikes? Coffee outside? Weird, obscure, challenge for the every-man adventurer? I'm your huckleberry. 

Reid and I rode to "Rosemary Hill," an unofficial name for a bump on the river walk with lovely yellow wild plants (Bearded Beggars Tick?) and a vantage point of Lookout Mountain. Reid made coffee at home, probably something nice and undoubtedly made in a Chemex. I made coffee at the hill: cheap dark roast my mother-in-law gifted me brewed in an Aeropress. The Aeropress makes everything taste nice. After a good chat, Reid and I pedaled hard around the Strava segment "HoboShredzzz" and then parted ways.

I was interested in linking up two gravel roads via a steep, downhill, hiking only trail and so continued up the mountain via the Guild and Upper Truck trail systems. At trail's end, I hike-a-bike'd down the John Smartt Trail which was miserable. "This was a very bad idea," I wondered out loud, "But it'll be worth it... I think." And it was a good idea. The Lower Truck Trail had several large trees down which called for portages or detours but is still a nice ride through the woods along Chattanooga Creek and the gravel through Reflection Riding / Garden Road was the creme de la creme. A very good ride and a promising start of the Coffeeneuring2020 season. 

Date: 10.12.20

Location: 35°02'02.7"N 85°19'25.0"W

Bike: Shanina

Coffee: dark roast, Aeropress, inverted, 13:1   

Miles: 28.6 (strava)

 

Blasting down Rosemary Hill (photo by Reid)

 

 

Shanina the Schwinn Sierra Adventure Bike

Roza Shanina was a lovely and lethal Soviet sniper who served in the Red Army during World War II. She was both conventionally beautiful and remarkably deadly with a kill count of at least 59 German Nazis. And while she described her younger self as boundless and reckless, her friends commented that she valued both courage and the absence of egotism. 

Classic elegance capable of pure carnage.

This is the essence of my 1987 Schwinn Sierra. Thoroughly Red, to be sure, and a beautiful piece of vintage MTB simplicity, slightly modified for all day adventures, throwing itself with reckless abandon at crumbling city streets, dusty Appalachian single track, and never ending forested gravel paths. 

This is a DIY budget build of @goodolenam's Specialized Stumpjumper. I cannibalized a WTB saddle and Wald basket off other bikes and then put some inverted SunLite North Road handlebars and grippies on it. Just needs a front rack to get rid of its bent and rattly basket limbs. I thought about a 1x conversion but the mammoth stock biopace chainring is an actual speed demon from the gaping maw of hell. This machine snipes obscure Strava Top 10s like her namesake sniped fascists. It kills them. 

You Got Everything? -- A Gear Guide to Bouldering

you got everything?

Bouldering is simple: there's a boulder, you climb it. That's bouldering. But this is also bouldering: "Lay down start. Lock off with your left. Heal-toe-cam, down turn knee on your right and crank to a mono pocket. Bump to a crimp. Yard up to an crimp rail and traverse left to a finger crack. Layback the crack up to a another rail and top out through an offwidth." That's the actual beta notes I jotted down for a decidedly unclassic V5 at Zahnd in Georgia.

The gear necessary for bouldering can be as simple and as complex (or contrived) as the above paragraph. Stop any mattress carrying whipper snapper in the woods and you'd be amazed at the amount of gear they carry to surmount 12-20 ft summits. From aesthetic clothing to meticulous skincare products to a quiver, nay, arsenal of climbing shoes, the modern day pebble wrestler has more in common with old crusty big wall climbers than meets the eye. If you want to have a nice time out in the boulders these days, you'll need a checklist of the essentials before you head out the door. Here's the necessities:

1. approach shoes: Southeastern approaches can be demanding. Oh sure, they're mostly flat but the occasional rock, root, or puddle of mud demands proper footwear. These shoes are like normal shoes but uglier and with some rubber on the toe so you can kind of sort of climb V0 in them. Pretty neat, right? Well, they cost about as much as those downsized, downturned asymetrical climbing shoes you got too.
2. bright colored pants: Every climber knows the only reason to climb is for the 'gram. And what good is the post if your neutral colored Carharrts blend in with the dull, boring, grey of the stone? Bright colored, preferably yellow, pants will pop with pizzazz and catch the eye of even the most brain dead, free scrolling instragram zombie. You can almost feel the sweet sweet dopamine hit before your followers even double tap.
3. beanie: Let the trad dads have their tired, unoriginal cliches about shirtless climbers wearing beanies. Heat escapes from your head not your pecs, old man.
4. Crocs: Two-thirds of bouldering is sitting. And those downsized, downturned, asymmetrical, and aggressive shoes can't stay on your feet forever. But putting your socks and shoes back on? Yuck! That's why God invented Crocs. And thanks to Post Malone these comfy monstrosities are back in style. I prefer camo.
   
5. Puffy jacket: No, you may not be belaying twelve pitches up on a big wall on Baffin Island or cutting out a snow cave on the Cassin Ridge but it does get chilly in between burns. Don't underestimate the power of puff! Pro-tip: stuff your shoes inside your puffy to keep those toesies nice and happy!
   
6. comfy climbing shoes: A good warm up is crucial to a productive bouldering session and avoiding injury, but you don't want to look like fool slipping off that edge in your approach shoes and you don't want to look like a gumby climbing the warm up slab in Dragons, so you'll want a pair of nice, flat, comfy climbing slippers to warm up in.
7. aggressive climbing shoes: downsized? check. downturned? check. asymmetrical foot shape? check. The ancient and painful tradition that China finally banned is alive and well in America's boulderfields.  The climbing industrial complex is starting to refute their downsizing ways but the true believers know that the send demands the downsize. I threw a heel hook the other day and I swear my toes were touching my heel... and I sent.
8. chalk pot: No chalkee, no sendee. That's a fact. Lots of chalkee, lots of sendee. That's why chalk pots are so big. Also, using a chalk bag while bouldering is a fashion faux pas. It'd be like a snowboarder in a 1990s Disney movie wearing a turtleneck like some New England prep school ski team yuppie. "Come on Johnny Tsunami, we're going on a Sky Raid!" 
9. multiple crash pads: John Sherman may have been able to send the gnar with only the floormat of his #dirtbagswag whip beneath his feet but that doesn't mean that you should. Carry a crashpad. Carry multiple crashpads. Strap, bungee, or tie them together. Carry yours like a  backpack and strap a second pad on top like a backpack for your backpack. Sling another over one shoulder like a cool kid's backpack on Saved by the Bell. That's three pads for your big long roof project or warm up wall traverse! No broken ankles necessary.
10. scratch pad: Sure, those crashpads were meant to be carried and thrown around outside and take the abuse of dirt and stone but you don't want to get your expensive custom Organic pad design dirty! That's what scratch pads are for. Brush your shoes off like you're entering a rich person's house before stepping onto your crashpads like you weren't raised in a barn! Also, suitable as a crash pad for your lowball choss roof project.
11. bouldering brush: Having trouble on that boulder? You definitely have the right beta and you're definitely strong enough. All that chalk and shoe rubber builds up and is likely what's holding you back. Give it a good scrubbing.
12. another bouldering brush: Still not sending? Try your other brush. No, your other brush. The one with the boar's hair. Oh, they're both boar's? Well, maybe the brush with the wooden handle this time.
    
13. another bouldering brush attached to an extendable painter's pole: The last time you want to be surprised by a greasy grimy sloper crimp is at the top of your highball on-sight attempt. These are the job for the mega-brush. You could tape a brush to a long stick but you'll probably forget to take the tape off anyway and you're committed to the LNT, right? ... RIGHT?! Leave no trace.
    
14. tape: Few things can end a sesh quicker than a big ol' flapper. Protect and prolong your time at the proj with simple climber's tape.
    
15. emery board: Hey Paul Bunyan, your calloused hands may impress your big blue cow or whatever but those gratuitously raised pads might be what's giving you those session-ending flappers. File down your callouses so they don't snag and rip on the stone. Sure, you could do this at home before  climbing but why bother? You have to do something while spraying your friends and anyone else within earshot with beta and V-points.
16. skin care salve: Gobies? Flappies? Dried, split phalanges? Try any number of expensive skin care salves marketed exclusively to climbers. After all, there's a reason traveling medicine shows were a thing, right?
    
17. guidebook: "The guidebook says it's classic but I thought it was choss." "The guidebook says it's V7, but I thought it felt more like V4." "The guidebook says it's V4, but I thought it felt more like V7." "The guidebook says it should be here." "The guidebook says I should stick my head in the microwave and give myself a tan...?" The guidebook -- or the profits made from guidebooks -- is sacred and you must not question it.
18. headlamp: All good things must come to an end. And even though your partner is on her 87th "last burn of the day," the sun may finally be the dad who tells his kids' friends "you don't have to go home but you can't stay here." Seeing how you killed your phone battery posting insta stories all day, you're going to want a headlamp to find your way in the dark. 
19. work-light: Fools, cowards, and gumbies go home when it gets dark. Often, the OGs, bone crushers, and slaydies are just rolling into the parking lot at sundown. Daylight is no reason to cut your session short. The cold night air provides those sweet condies you need for the send and a battery powered or rechargeable work light means you can work your project until the cows come home.
20. phone / camera / GoPro: footie of the send.
21. tripod: stable, level, non-shaky footie of the send. 
22. coffee: legal stimulant for the send.
23. food: sustenance for the send.
    
24. water: hydration for the send.
    
25. beer: celebration for the send. or consolation for the lack thereof.

What did I forget?

My friend Josh

Sometime before George Mallory made his third, final, and fatal attempt at the summit of Mt. Evererst a journalist asked him why try to climb the world's tallest peak. His laconic reply: "because it's there.” I think about that quote when I think about my friend Josh.

Several summers ago, Josh and I loaded up in my 2003 Toyota Tacoma for a two month road trip. We drove across the United States and then up the spine of the Rockies from New Mexico to Wyoming. The funny thing is Josh and I met maybe a month before that and had hung out at the local climbing gym at most three times during that span. I specifically remember one of those times being while he was working behind the gym’s front counter.

Here's what I knew about Josh at the start of our trip:

(1) he enjoyed climbing long, steep, athletic sport climbs

  (1a) he never shut up about the Red River Gorge

(2) he was friends with my friend Jamie

(3) he was willing to quit his job at the gym, pile into a truck, live on the road, and swap belays for an entire summer with a dude he met at the climbing gym a month ago.

Like Everest, Josh was there. And like Mallory's last trip up that mountain, Josh and I's relationship could have gone terribly. We didn't really know each other. We didn’t have to get along. We didn’t have to fill 13 hour driving days with conversation. We didn’t have to complement each other’s climbing styles or keep each other psyched. We didn’t have to become friends. But we did.

Since then, we’ve sumitted mountains, climbed a few classic routes, climbed endless amounts of choss, ran a 50K, and drove countless hours together. We've talked about everything from theology, spirituality, and politics to relationships, student loans, and health insurance all interspersed by a sparing amount of bathroom humor. Last summer, Josh was in my wedding.

Here’s what I’ve learned about Josh over the years: he is the ideal climbing partner — spontaneous, safe, and psyched. And he's an even better friend. He is a good man with a good heart. He feels things deeply and he loves others genuinely. He knows why he thinks and believes the things that he does and he seeks and explores the things which he does not. Except for the glaring exception of never buying a trad harness, he is willing to change. He is dedicated and determined. Josh does not meet a stranger. He is one of the easiest to talk to people I have ever met and I frequently watch with awe as he seamlessly engages with the folks around him. And despite his inability to promptly return text messages and phone calls, he is fiercely loyal. He's my friend.

In February, Josh and I planned on climbing 29 pitches to celebrate Leap Day but instead we stayed up late the night before, slept in, climbed some routes, drank coffee in between pitches, and talked. It'll likely be the last time we share a rope together for a long time. This spring, Josh moves out west as a travel nurse. But even if I never climbed another rope length again, I’d give thanks to climbing for having made me meet him.  

That's my friend Josh.