Dirtbag Tips: Compact Car Camping

(via instagram)

Kyle has a Ford Ranger. Russ has a Grand Cherokee. Eli has a Subaru. Paul has a wooly mammoth aka Chevy Tahoe. 

And I have a Honda Civic. 

The Civic isn't exactly the dirtbag car of choice. While gas mileage is a definite plus, I've slept on love seats with more snooze space than the backseat of my car. 

So when we've got the hankering to put our fingers on stone and our friends can't make the trip and primitive camping isn't an option -- what are us compact car guys and girls supposed to do? If buying a small pick-up truck is not a financial option and you don't have chronic back problems, keep reading. 

Sleeping situations are notably limited. I know I'm stating the obvious but if you don't know, now you know. The way I see it, there are two options:

1. "The Snuggle" or "Ball Method" - in this method the camper sleeps horizontally in the back seat "snuggled up" with legs tucked moderately towards the chest to ensure the whole body fits between the frame of the vehicle. Side sleepers will find this option preferable.

(backseat sleeping on a cold night in Sand Rock, AL)

PROS: sleeping on a flat surface; who doesn't like to get into a toasty little snuggle ball?
CONS: must sleep on your side; middle seat belt buckles probing you the entire night; who can stay scrunched up for that long?

2. "The Dentist Chair Method" - in this method the camper sleeps in one of the two front pilot seats, fully reclined, resembling a dentist chair. Back sleepers will find this option preferable.

PROS: sleeps two uncomfortably; easy access to ignition in case of axe murderer.
CONS: sleeps too uncomfortably; even fully reclined the chair still sleeps at an angle. 

There's also this thing: the inflatable car bed. Someone posted this on my facebook wall a while back and I'm not internet savvy enough to know if it actually exists in the realm of real world retail. And even if it was, the bed is still as short as the space between car doors, so I'm not sure how practical it would be. Still, cool idea.  

Let's be real, the nature of car sleeping is never glamorous. Just look at this gem of a picture, snapped around 1am after the rain chased us from our comfortable slumber on the beach. 

Russ and I sleep Dentist Chair Style while Kyle does the Ball Method (and other things).

The reality of a situation that requires you to even consider sleeping inside your car as opposed to a tent or hammock or crash pad or even picnic table is that you're getting 4 hours of sleep, tops. Most likely in a Wal Mart parking lot somewhere in a city you don't even know the name of. Which probably means you're headed somewhere special and great, so suck it up. 

Dirtbag Tips: Gas Station Cuisine

(via instagram)

Friday, after I finished all my graduate assistant work, I hastily loaded up my car with my crash pad, puffy, and sleeping bag, and then made the drive to Sand Rock, Alabama. I've been eyeing Jaws -- a classic, V-Easy, but extremely highball boulder problem put up sometime back in the seventies -- more for its daunting, picturesque height and history than its V grade. 

Road trips, weekend or weeklong, often require culinary imagination. Especially on spur of the moment getaways like mine to Sand Rock. 

If you are one of those types to make eggplant parmesan in the backcountry, avert your eyes. Read no further. What I am about to say has nothing to do with you. This recipe is for those of us who roll into the last possible gas station before the trailhead and walk out with a bag of Cheesy Puffs, half a dozen powdered donuts, a Big Gulp and call it "dinner." 

Gas station cuisine is an art. Anyone can scrounge up needed calories with a Snickers bar. If you really want to make something good, you have to shop resourcefully, considering flavor profiles, and economically, you are, after all, a dirtbag. I've eaten many delicious things from convenience stores but this one takes the cake: Crunchy Jalapeno Mac n' Cheese with Beef.

Ingredients: 

(1) cup of instant microwaveable mac n' cheese (velveeta is preferable)
(1/3) regular flavor Slim Jim cut into bite size pieces
(1) bag of jalapeno cheddar Cheetos

First, pour contents of mac n' cheese cup into your stove top cookware. Follow directions on cup, attributing for a stove instead of a microwave.

While you bring this to a boil, cut the Slim Jim into bits. If you're working from the trunk of your car, your copy of Dixie Cragger's Atlas makes for a great cutting board. 

When these are prepared, mix and stir the macaroni and cheese with the Slim Jim bits and add the cheddar jalapeno Cheetos to the top as a garnish. 

Devour. 

It's worth mentioning, that if you make this meal or likely any other gas station delicacy and post it to the internet for all your friends to see, there will be backlash. Exhibit A:

"gag." - @bethanyjulia
"How are you alive?" - @brookslokey
"Gross, what is happening here?" - @kaitlynmeanspure
"This is disgusting." - @anniebjones 
"#fattymcbutterpants" - @ladyforstall
"'I want to marry him now, so I can make him eat better.' - anonymous girl about @chettarcheese." - @jessebaker

While this last reply is backhandedly flattering, all of these responses are indicative of a general populace unappreciative of what it is we -- climber dudes (and dudettes), surf bums, mountain bike bros, backpackers, trail runners and all other baggers of the dirt -- do on our weekends. They don't understand. And how could they? It's like the person who has never tasted Waffle House after 2:00 A.M. It just tastes better.

In any other circumstance Crunchy Jalapeno Mac n' Cheese with Beef would be neither good nor good for you. But on top of a mountain? It satisfies the hunger in the most euphoric of ways. 

Or maybe I really am disgusting. Maybe I am the only person who thinks driving four hours and cooking out of my trunk and sleeping scrunched up in a Honda Civic in order to climb a classic southeastern boulder problem is fun. 

But I don't think I am. 

I know there are more of us out there who eat like a ten year old at a slumber party because our bodies and our wallets can't afford not to. 

Eating like this means we're about to do something rad and something we love. 

So eat! For, "we were given appetites not to consume the world and forget it, but to taste its goodness and hunger to make it great."

5 Youtube Videos to Quote in the Outdoors

1. Pumpkin and Bubby Discover Nature

"dat's sum mutha nurture right dair!" 

2. Hungover Rock Climber (poops his pants)

"it's an odds thing really."

3. Nature Lover

less about quoting, more about pelvic thrusting.

4. Neature Walk (Episode 1)

"this is an aspen. you can tell it's an aspen tree because of the way it is."

5. Sh*t Rock Climbers Say

"hand jam! hand jam! hand jam!"