I ♥ Swimming Holes

Big Blue Spring, Wacissa River, FL

I love swimming holes. My friend Paul calls them "wollerin' holes" which I've always found endearing because it implies that we're all just a bunch of fat and wild hogs slopping around in the water. Maybe you object to being a little pink piggy but swimming holes do make us feel like a youth again, as if you found what Ponce de Leon and all those other dorks were looking for all along. 

Growing up in Florida, where I was never more than seventy miles from the coast, more summer days were spent at the local freshwater swimming hole than white sandy beaches. A short walk in the woods or canoe paddle downstream would take you massive holes in the ground -- springs or sinks -- filled with cold and clear water directly connected to the aquifer. Here, the water goes from waist high to sixty-feet deep instantaneously and the trees offer diving platforms taller than what you see in the summer Olympics. These cherished memories reel in my mind like a Wes Anderson film: a delightfully childlike state played back in dreamy 35 mm. I am played by Jason Schwartzman, obviously (though I wish I was more the Luke Wilson type, obviously). 

A swimming hole is a deep place in natural water used for, wait for it... swimming. This includes springs, sinkholes, deep eddies in creeks, and wide spots in rivers. For obvious reasons, swimming holes exclude lakes and oceans. If you need this explained to you then you probably have posted something about  "~*LaKeDaYs*~" more than once in your life. Not all swimming holes are created equal, however. Below I offer a hierarchical ranking system of swimming holes. These definitely definitive categories come as a result of exploring swimming holes from the swamplands of Florida to the hills of Appalachia and to the furthest reaches of the Rocky Mountain West. 

Popo Agie Falls outside Lander, Wyoming is a classic example of a top-tier swimming hole. It hits all the spots: cold water? check. Scenic views? Sinks Canyon and the Wind River Range, check-check. It’s out west so the only snake to be wary of is the rattlesnake which has the common decency to warn you before it strikes unlike the cottonmouth and copperheads here in the south. And, unless you’re in Lander during the International Climbers Festival, you don’t have to be too worried about crowds. 

Popo Agie Falls, WY

Things get complicated on the B-team. The swimming hole at the end of the cliff line along Little Clear Creek in Tennessee is beautiful and features a fun jump but I’ve seen way too many snakes and know of way too many people (crowds!) who have been bit there. Likewise, way down in Big Soddy Gorge is an immaculate swimming hole. There’s no meaningful jump but you’re almost guaranteed to have the place to yourself. And the water is so clear, you can see any snakes before they get too close. Both are amazing and both are mid-tier. 

 Big Soddy Gorge, TN

 

It's hard to say there are any "bad" swimming holes but there are some we would have to qualify as bottom-tier. First, no swimming hole can be truly good if it has warm or tepid water. Yuck. Likewise with crowds. Crowds mean people, people mean noise, and likely trash. Blue Hole in North Chickamauga Creek outside Chattanooga is a delightful wollerin' hole marred by mobs of teenagers with bluetooth speakers, left-behind empty energy drink cans, and soiled baby diapers. Also, yuck. It's best to avoid a swimming hole like this on  weekends or altogether. 

Little Clear Creek, TN

A word of nuance: the three-tier system assigns objective value to a swimming hole while many criteria are subjective and liable to vary or change. Ipso facto, a swimming hole can be a top-tier on Tuesday (no snakes seen, no crowds) and mid-tier on Saturday (a snake seen or a crowd gathered). Figuring out which swimming holes are what category is an excellent way to spend your summer. You won't regret it. 

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Welcome to the Best Month of the Year!

summer conceptualized

 

June is the best month of the year. Some may disagree but they're wrong. What makes June so great? It is peak summer. Not actually, summer doesn't officially begin until its twentieth day, but conceptually. There's no school for kids and its big vacation time for adults. It's warm but not too hot. Cool air can still be found in the mornings and on the mountains. It's a dry month too. These conditions combine for a uniquely wonderful thirty days of playing outside. You can ride your bike in the cool morning air or chase the shade at the local crag and then spend the afternoon at the nearest swimming hole. My Mountain Project and Strava activity peak during this glorious summer month. In short, June is kind of perfect. 

The other months, ranked:

12. September: You can yell at me all you want. "SENDtember" sucks. It's hot. Really hot. But we have all been convinced by somebody, somewhere that it shouldn't be. We've been duped to believe that heat no longer exists after Labor Day. And while that may have been true at one point in history, Sendtember is wishful thinking in a rapidly warming world.

11. February: Thank God "January 2.0" is 1-3 days shorter than all the other months.

10. August: You know the back sweat that develops as you walk the twenty yards across the parking lot to your car after a long day at work? And how your underwear turns into a swamp as you drive home in your sauna car? That's what August is. Back sweat and swamp butt.

9. January:  Nobody loves January except for the first day of the month and even that's about the last day of December. Whatever the initial high of New Years' and its resolutions was, they quickly wear off during the month's cold, wet, dark days.

8. July: Don't tread on me, Thomas Jefferson. TJ sucked and so does this month. Here's my July Fourth playlist. Suck on that, Nathan's Hot Dogs.

7. March: You have heard it said that "April showers bring May flowers," but down here it's really March showers and they make one dour (thesauruses are amazing). March is tricky. It doesn't know what it wants to be. March will have you scraping ice off your truck and then wearing a t-shirt a day later.

6. December: December could move up and down the list depending on your thoughts about bouldering. The air is cool but not yet frigid and it's generally dry which makes for great friction. For other outdoor activities, it sits right in the middle. Whatever you're doing, remember a headlamp because these days are woefully short.

5. April: April is amazing. Creeks are swelling, flowers are blossoming, and primo temperatures are begging for you to play outside. But there's a catch: pollen. This yellow powder from hell is everywhere and will destroy your nose and throat. May God have mercy on your soul.

Rocktober

4. October: Congratulations! You made it through the false start of fall that is September and made it to "ROCKtober." This is the month that many climbers start coming out of their gym rat-holes and see the sun for the first time since spring. October promises send temperatures and autumnal colors but a word of caution: it's getting warmer. And unless ExxonMobile and others like it stop belching carbon dioxide into the atmosphere,  Rocktober may soon be a thing of the past too.

3. May: May is America's favorite month. I think, more than anything else, May is a season of hope. The floor is full of maps and your browser is bogged down with 47 tabs as you plan for the endless possibilities of summer. May's weather lends itself toward spending lots of hours outside training for bigger objectives. And that's the thing: May is good but it's largely spent longing for something better. You also still have to deal with pollen. That's why it gets bronze.

2. November: This is it. The apex of the "cooler"months. There's a crisp chill in the air. The trees are bursting with all the radiant, short-lived, first three colors of the ROYGBIV scale. A day spent bike riding, rock climbing, or trail running among all the arboreal splendor and capped by an evening in your puffy jacket, around the bonfire with a beer and pie in hand, is the pinnacle of living! So what makes it #2 to June? Work, school, long nights, and other structural barriers to enjoying those sweet autumnal days.

1. June: June rules. Let the stoke overfloweth. 

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