An Open Letter to Every Outdoor Retail Company Ever

The warm alpine glow bounced off the face of White's Peak, down into the valley which separates it from Mt. Antero. It was cold but the early morning light and the urge to relieve myself beckoned me from my Black Diamond bivy bag. I stretched my legs and wiggled my toes and then began to unzip my bivy hood.

SNAG.

The zipper was caught on the NanoShield fabric. I muscled my index and middle fingers into the minuscule unzipped hole, loosened the fabric, and unzipped some more.

SNAG. 

Repeat a half a dozen more times.

With my head finally dislodged from my delightfully lightweight but agonizingly difficult-to-get-out-of rain shelter, I was a step closer to urinating and starting my day. Reluctantly, I started to unzip my beloved Mountain Hardware UltraLamina 32 sleeping bag.

SNAG. 

I wiggled my left arm free from the mummy bag to pull the ultra lightweight synthetic material out of the teeth of the zipper and pulled some more.

SNAG. 

Now I really had to drain the main vein. My right leg began to bounce a little bit, a little like Elvis but a lot more like a toddler standing in line at a urinal. They can put a man on the moon! I thought to myself while wrestling out a few more snags, crawling out and putting on my Chacos. Thankfully, my campers/clients were still asleep so I didn't have to walk far to relieve myself. I spread my knees in a semi-athletic stance and pulled down the zipper of my Marmot Precip Pants.

SNAG. 

SNAG some more.

A string of unmentionable language vomited from my mouth before I barely could access the crotch zipper of my Kuhl Liberator Zip-Off Pants under my rain shell. I wore my Precips over my shorts because the zipper had fallen off the left pant leg on another mountain another week. It took all that was in me to hold my super charged urine while fiddling with an assortment of zippers and zipper teeth on an array of outdoor retail.What had started as a pleasant, peaceful morning in a lovely valley between two beautiful mountains had turned into urinary nightmare.

Chances are if you have ever spent a night in the woods, you had at least one piece of equipment with a zipper on it. And chances are you have a story similar to my own. Which is why I have written an open letter to every outdoor company ever. "Open Letters" are kind of a thing right now, what with the power of the internet and advent of social media and everything. But I believe in them. In 2007, I wrote an open letter to my congressman to end the Taco Bell monopoly of Mountain Dew Baja Blast. And in 2014, purchasing Baja Blast was made available in gas stations and grocery stores everywhere. You're welcome. Unfortunately, I don't drink soda anymore.

So without further adieu, my open letter to every outdoor retail company ever:

Let's spread this thing around. Let's start a movement. Let's be the change in the world we want to see.