 |
| you got everything? |
The gear necessary for bouldering can be as simple and as complex (or contrived) as the above paragraph. Stop any mattress carrying whipper snapper in the woods and you'd be amazed at the amount of gear they carry to surmount 12-20 ft summits. From aesthetic clothing to meticulous skincare products to a quiver, nay, arsenal of climbing shoes, the modern day pebble wrestler has more in common with old crusty big wall climbers than meets the eye. If you want to have a nice time out in the boulders these days, you'll need a checklist of the essentials before you head out the door. Here's the necessities:
- approach shoes: Southeastern approaches can be demanding. Oh sure, they're mostly flat but the occasional rock, root, or puddle of mud demands proper footwear. These shoes are like normal shoes but uglier and with some rubber on the toe so you can kind of sort of climb V0 in them. Pretty neat, right? Well, they cost about as much as those downsized, downturned asymetrical climbing shoes you got too.
- bright colored pants: Every climber knows the only reason to climb is for the 'gram. And what good is the post if your neutral colored Carharrts blend in with the dull, boring, grey of the stone? Bright colored, preferably yellow, pants will pop with pizzazz and catch the eye of even the most brain dead, free scrolling instragram zombie. You can almost feel the sweet sweet dopamine hit before your followers even double tap.
- beanie: Let the trad dads have their tired, unoriginal cliches about shirtless climbers wearing beanies. Heat escapes from your head not your pecs, old man.
- Crocs: Two-thirds of bouldering is sitting. And those downsized, downturned, asymmetrical, and aggressive shoes can't stay on your feet forever. But putting your socks and shoes back on? Yuck! That's why God invented Crocs. And thanks to Post Malone these comfy monstrosities are back in style. I prefer camo.
- Puffy jacket: No, you may not be belaying twelve pitches up on a big wall on Baffin Island or cutting out a snow cave on the Cassin Ridge but it does get chilly in between burns. Don't underestimate the power of puff! Pro-tip: stuff your shoes inside your puffy to keep those toesies nice and happy!
- comfy climbing shoes: A good warm up is crucial to a productive bouldering session and avoiding injury, but you don't want to look like fool slipping off that edge in your approach shoes and you don't want to look like a gumby climbing the warm up slab in Dragons, so you'll want a pair of nice, flat, comfy climbing slippers to warm up in.
- aggressive climbing shoes: downsized? check. downturned? check. asymmetrical foot shape? check. The ancient and painful tradition that China finally banned is alive and well in America's boulderfields. The climbing industrial complex is starting to refute their downsizing ways but the true believers know that the send demands the downsize. I threw a heel hook the other day and I swear my toes were touching my heel... and I sent.
- chalk pot: No chalkee, no sendee. That's a fact. Lots of chalkee, lots of sendee. That's why chalk pots are so big. Also, using a chalk bag while bouldering is a fashion faux pas. It'd be like a snowboarder in a 1990s Disney movie wearing a turtleneck like some New England prep school ski team yuppie. "Come on Johnny Tsunami, we're going on a Sky Raid!"
- multiple crash pads: John Sherman may have been able to send the gnar with only the floormat of his #dirtbagswag whip beneath his feet but that doesn't mean that you should. Carry a crashpad. Carry multiple crashpads. Strap, bungee, or tie them together. Carry yours like a backpack and strap a second pad on top like a backpack for your backpack. Sling another over one shoulder like a cool kid's backpack on Saved by the Bell. That's three pads for your big long roof project or warm up wall traverse! No broken ankles necessary.
- scratch pad: Sure, those crashpads were meant to be carried and thrown around outside and take the abuse of dirt and stone but you don't want to get your expensive custom Organic pad design dirty! That's what scratch pads are for. Brush your shoes off like you're entering a rich person's house before stepping onto your crashpads like you weren't raised in a barn! Also, suitable as a crash pad for your lowball choss roof project.
- bouldering brush: Having trouble on that boulder? You definitely have the right beta and you're definitely strong enough. All that chalk and shoe rubber builds up and is likely what's holding you back. Give it a good scrubbing.
- another bouldering brush: Still not sending? Try your other brush. No, your other brush. The one with the boar's hair. Oh, they're both boar's? Well, maybe the brush with the wooden handle this time.
- another bouldering brush attached to an extendable painter's pole: The last time you want to be surprised by a greasy grimy sloper crimp is at the top of your highball on-sight attempt. These are the job for the mega-brush. You could tape a brush to a long stick but you'll probably forget to take the tape off anyway and you're committed to the LNT, right? ... RIGHT?! Leave no trace.
- tape: Few things can end a sesh quicker than a big ol' flapper. Protect and prolong your time at the proj with simple climber's tape.
- emery board: Hey Paul Bunyan, your calloused hands may impress your big blue cow or whatever but those gratuitously raised pads might be what's giving you those session-ending flappers. File down your callouses so they don't snag and rip on the stone. Sure, you could do this at home before climbing but why bother? You have to do something while spraying your friends and anyone else within earshot with beta and V-points.
- skin care salve: Gobies? Flappies? Dried, split phalanges? Try any number of expensive skin care salves marketed exclusively to climbers. After all, there's a reason traveling medicine shows were a thing, right?
- guidebook: "The guidebook says it's classic but I thought it was choss." "The guidebook says it's V7, but I thought it felt more like V4." "The guidebook says it's V4, but I thought it felt more like V7." "The guidebook says it should be here." "The guidebook says I should stick my head in the microwave and give myself a tan...?" The guidebook -- or the profits made from guidebooks -- is sacred and you must not question it.
- headlamp: All good things must come to an end. And even though your partner is on her 87th "last burn of the day," the sun may finally be the dad who tells his kids' friends "you don't have to go home but you can't stay here." Seeing how you killed your phone battery posting insta stories all day, you're going to want a headlamp to find your way in the dark.
- work-light: Fools, cowards, and gumbies go home when it gets dark. Often, the OGs, bone crushers, and slaydies are just rolling into the parking lot at sundown. Daylight is no reason to cut your session short. The cold night air provides those sweet condies you need for the send and a battery powered or rechargeable work light means you can work your project until the cows come home.
- phone / camera / GoPro: footie of the send.
- tripod: stable, level, non-shaky footie of the send.
- coffee: legal stimulant for the send.
- food: sustenance for the send.
- water: hydration for the send.
- beer: celebration for the send. or consolation for the lack thereof.